


fallen flower.

by euntro



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: ? Not really, Alcohol, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst? More like dramatic, Anorexia, Coming Out, Drama, EDNOS, Eating Disorder, Eating Disorders, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, Friends to Enemies, High School, Humor, Insecurity, Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi-centric, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Making Out, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, Soonhoon - Freeform, Strangers to Lovers, a lot of swearing sorry, and stuff, bed, homophobia (only a little), it's like microaggression and teenage boys being stupid, jihoon being the bf of my dreams, jihoon tries to save soonyoung, me projecting onto soonyoung, mentions of smut (no actual smut i'm baby), no beta we die like real men, ok so technically it's strangers to friends to enemies to friends to lovers, slight bullying, talks about struggles. a lot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28969488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euntro/pseuds/euntro
Summary: Soonyoung's mental health is fucked. His eating disorder is slowly taking up his entire mind.“You seem like a very interesting person Soonyoung”“Can you please shut the fuck up”, the taller groaned.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 25
Kudos: 34





	1. broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhh yeah so it's 2am and english isn't my native language. also soonyoung is literally me and this is me projecting onto him and yeah it's my lifestory just that I don't have a jihoon that loves me and it's just a frigment of my imagination

Soonyoung was 18. He was healthy. He danced regularly, went to school and had perfectly fine grades, had a somewhat okay family. he had good friends. Why wasn’t he still satisfied with himself? What was missing?

Soonyoung looked at himself. The mirror was a little dirty, even though he’s only had it for a few days. His mother was cooking dinner, his little sister was in her room, his father was at work, like always.

He stared at his stomach, lifted the shirt, and couldn’t keep his eyes off it. It has always been a little rounder, ever since he was little. His mother not being the skinniest and his dad being obese have troubled him ever since he was little. While his dad would feed him without even stopping, the boy’s mother would never stop comparing him to his dad’s family, who also struggled with overweight.

“do you want to look like them?” “you’re going to end up as fat as them if you don’t stop eating” “isn’t your stomach a little too round already?”

His mother’s words never really bothered him. Why should he stop? Food made him happy, and it tasted good. 

In 4th grade, soonyoung went on his first class trip. He had his little group of friends and was happy. They teamed up to share a room, however, another boy, who he wasn’t friends with, ended up sharing with them too. It was fine; he said to himself.

Dohyun was his name. Soonyoung would never forget it again.

Soonyoung’s friends, Jun, Seokmin, and Seungkwan made their runaway on the said class trip. Dohyun joined them too, being the richest one out of them all with the most fashionable clothes.

When it was his turn, soonyoung wore a t-shirt that fit him a little too tight. His belly was very visible, however, it didn’t bother him.

“Your stomach is round and fat,” Dohyun said out of nowhere. Soonyoung laughed it off but ran to the bathroom to cry a few minutes later. Seokmin came to comfort him. His belly really bothered him.

This wasn’t the last incident, though. In 4th grade, he was innocently changing clothes, while Dohyun and his friends recommended him to lose some weight since he was a little chubby.

These comments stuck to him for years. He vividly remembers crying on his way home, after what happened in the locker room.  
Ever since he got insecure about his body, trying to hide under oversized clothes and not revealing a few of his body proportions.

Switching to middle school made things for him easier. He found a new group of friends who were kind to him. No one made any unnecessary remarks regarding his body, and he forgot about his insecurities for a bit.

He started going to more dance classes, moved way more, yet his little tummy didn’t seem to disappear. He got frustrated. 

Years passed. Soonyoung was 15 now. His group of friends changed again. His closest friends were three boys in his class. Jeonghan, Seungcheol, and Vernon. They were always there for him; he was always there for them. It felt like he has found his soulmates. It didn’t make him happy enough just yet. His body still bothered him, he wanted to break his mirror, get rid of the sight in front of him. 

He’s 18 years old now. His overall appearance bothered him more and more every day. Were his thighs always that big? Were his arms always so flabby?

He thought of ways to get rid of all the stuff that bothered him about himself. Working out was the only way to go, yet he didn’t have any money to go to the gym. He looked up home workouts on YouTube and went with it. 

After two weeks of working out, he still didn’t see any noticeable differences on his body. Working out can’t be the only thing, he thought. A little calorie-counting wouldn’t hurt.

Soonyoung got obsessed with the numbers going down on the scale. Even if they only sunk slowly, progress was progress. He started eating less and less to drop weight faster.

He knew something was going on inside his mind. He knew this couldn’t be the thoughts of a mentally healthy person. Yet he kept going. He needed the body he always wanted to have.

In a month, the boy dropped about 5kg, yet barely anyone seemed to notice. It made him angry, feeling like all his efforts were going to waste. Going back to old habits, he comforted himself by eating too much food.

Finding out about a social media subgroup where everyone talks about their eating disorders, Soonyoung joined quickly. He needed to know more people like him; he needed to assure himself that he’s not alone with the thoughts taking over his mind.

A month passed. Soonyoung felt sick. Not certainly physically, but mentally. He felt drained. He wasn’t losing any weight anymore, jumping between the same two numbers all the time, switching between eating barely anything and eating everything within a five-mile radius every single day.  
His family didn’t believe he was sick enough. He was still at a healthy weight; they saw him eating normal amounts of food from time to time. It drained him.

One day, he was sitting in class, Jeonghan seated next to him. Soonyoung hasn’t eaten breakfast and his stomach made sure that everyone noticed it. The boy tried to cover it by coughing but his friend started to catch up on what’s happening to Soonyoung. He gave him money to buy a snack in the cafeteria and told him to talk to him when he needs to. Yet he thought Jeonghan wouldn’t take him seriously.

Weeks passed. Soonyoung felt worse than ever, yet tried to keep his happy persona. Seungcheol and Vernon didn’t seem to notice anything wrong, but Jeonghan continued to worry.

“Welcome to our new student. He moved to this town a few days ago. May you introduce yourself?” The teacher’s words woke Soonyoung’s interest, who was about to just sleep through the class again. He looked at the new boy. He was rather short, yet wide and muscular and a cute but also handsome face. 

He’s known that he liked boys for a while now, and the student just made him confirm it again. He stared at him with tired eyes. The malnutrition worsened his health by a lot.

“Hello everyone. I’m Lee Jihoon. I’m 18 years old. I hope to have a pleasant time here”

So his name was Lee Jihoon. Cute name. Why did Soonyoung think that? It’s not like anyone would like him with this body, anyway. Right? With his round cheeks, fat thighs, enormous stomach… He’s way too low for the newbie.

“Just sit down wherever you like Jihoon,” Mr. Kim said. Soonyoung scanned the room with his eyes. There was a free seat next to him, a few attractive boys and girls. He put his bag onto the chair to signalize Jihoon that it wasn’t free. 

Jihoon slowly walked towards Soonyoung. The latter turned around to check if there’s any free desk behind him.

Jihoon coughed, “Could I sit down next to you?” He grinned. Soonyoung suddenly wanted to punch him. However, he just nodded and put his bag aside. Too tired to think of anything, he just closed his eyes and slowly let his head fall onto the desk.

“Hi. I’m Jihoon. What’s your name?”  
Soonyoung slowly lifted his head and looked at him.  
“You already said that. Soonyoung, ”  
“You seem like a very interesting person Soonyoung”  
“Can you please shut the fuck up,” the taller groaned.  
“Alright” said Jihoon and grinned sheepily. That face won’t make up for the annoying-ness, Kwon thought.

Class was finally over, everyone collected their belongings and headed outside. “Soonyoung I wanted to ask you if you may show me around the school?”  
“Why the fuck does it have to be me?”  
“Well, I guess you swear a lot. Should get rid of that habit. Also, I’ve already said it. I think you are very interesting”  
“For a short guy, you sure talk a lot of weird shit”  
“I will literally kill you”  
Soonyoung laughed at that. Weak spot, he thought. 

They walked towards the cafeteria together. Soonyoung didn’t even bother to put his cheerful facade up, feeling like his mind is doing a super sprint through hell. All his thoughts centered on food and what he should eat next, in order not to regret it.

“Soonyoung? Why aren’t you replying” Jihoon lightly hit the other’s arm. He mumbled a simple sorry and tried to enthusiastically reply to all the shorter’s comments.

Maybe he wasn’t that bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeee i hope you liked it and feel free to talk to me in the comments! updates will come depending on how my mental health is, but at the moment you can expect many updates
> 
> note; I made a twitter account!  @AO3euntro


	2. friends?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update! once again sorry for any mistakes within the fic. i've felt really bad today so i thought i'd just put my sadness into this fic

“So you know, I’m not actually that short. Look, my height is perfect for dancing with girls. We can directly look into each other’s eyes,” Jihoon said while chewing his salad.  
Soonyoung looked at him surprised. 

“You dance?” he asked. “Yeah, I do. You too?” “Yeah, for a long time now” “That’s cool. You know, we should dance together one day. Your slender body probably makes some moves more pretty.”

The taller blushed a little and looked at the table. While Jihoon was eating a salad and drinking a coke, Soonyoung only had his water bottle standing in front of him “You haven’t even seen my body yet, dude. You’ve got some type of X-Ray vision to see through my clothes?”

The newbie nodded. “Yeah. Why aren’t you eating?” Soonyoung stared at him for a moment before replying. “Forgot my money at home. I’m going to eat at home later.” Jihoon stared back at him, just nodded again, got back to his salad, and rattled how this town is way bigger than his old hometown.

Soonyoung liked how the other didn’t ask questions. It made him feel better and freer inside his mind.

The day passed in a blur. At home, Soonyoung ate a little dinner, trying his best not to binge-eat on the chips his dad bought the other day. He stood in front of the mirror, looking at his reflection. His stomach felt too full, his legs were uncomfortably rubbing against each other and his cheeks were round.

He continued to stare at himself. His look fell onto his waist. It has never been that wide? He panicked, he felt like something cut his breath off. Did he imagine his waist being smaller than it actually is? He immediately put his pajamas on and lied himself down on his bed. Yet his mind couldn’t forget what he just saw. His mind wandered around different thoughts centered on his body image, and he slowly drifted off to sleep.

It was dark outside when Soonyoung woke up. He slowly got ready, eyes still heavy and wanting to drift back to sleep. His younger sister accompanied him to school. They both went different ways once they arrived.

On his way to class, he thought of what he could eat today. His mother would cook dinner today, so he could only go for something low-cal or he could try to convince her he’s already eaten at a friend's house and get away with fasting for the day.

“Hi, Soonyoung!” He looked around himself, trying to assign the voice a phase. Then he saw Jihoon standing next to him. “You’re so short I didn’t even notice you walking beside me”  
“You have 5 seconds to take back your words or else this day will be hell for you” Soonyoung put his hands up and chuckled. “I’m so sorry, dearest Jihoon. You may not have a lot of physical height but mentally you’re 6’4” Jihoon lightly knocked his elbow into the other’s side. 

“I’ve never actually asked you, how old are you?” “18,” Soonyoung replied. “Which month?” “June” “Well fuck, my dearest Soonyoung, not only are you taller than me, but you are also older,” Jihoon said while throwing his head back as if it was the end of the world. Soonyoung grew a liking for this boy. 

The moment he tried to reply, Soonyoung’s friends walked into the classroom. Seungcheol and Jeonghan talked so loud, he assumed that the entire building could listen to their conversation and Vernon just followed the two in silence. They came up to Soonyoung and greeted him loudly, and he greeted them back just as loud. They joked around, laughing a lot.

However, Soonyoung felt exhausted. He tried to cover up the shadows around his eyes early in the morning. After the waist incident, he kept waking up, nightmares of people telling him he’s too fat. 

Jihoon looked at him, cocking an eyebrow, but the older didn’t notice. He was too busy distracting his friends from the fact that he wants to go home.

“Hoshi, you didn’t even introduce us to your new friend,” Jeonghan said, tilting his head towards Jihoon. The latter introduced himself with a smile on his face. “I’m Seungcheol, and those two are Vernon and Jeonghan. We’re Hoshi’s best friends, you know.” “Hoshi?” 

Soonyoung blushed and wished he could just hide. He couldn’t believe his friends were embarrassing him already. “You need to know, Hoshi means star. And our Soonyoungie here is the biggest star, mostly because he’s as dramatic as an actual superstar,” Vernon explained. Right. He couldn’t even trust Vernon in this cruel world.

“You guys will regret this. I’ve got information your girlfriends wouldn’t be thrilled to hear” The three boys immediately stopped talking. “Soonyoung you are literally threatening us” They all laughed, Soonyoung focused on Jihoon who laughed with them. 

Seungcheol started talking to Jihoon again, “Yeah, Soonyoung’s the only one of us without a girlfriend. Got more confessions than I could count, but turned down all of them. Maybe you can crack him and introduce him to some popular girls from your old hometown.” “Dude, I told you I don’t need a girlfriend just yet… I’m just trying to focus on school first,” Soonyoung replied, sounding a little more serious than before.

“Yeah, we get it, Hoshi. At first, we thought he might be gay, that guy never really liked any girls-” Jeonghan elbowed Seungcheol before he could continue talking, looking at him rather angrily. Soonyoung just stared at his feet. He has told no one other than Jeonghan that he’s gay yet, and after hearing such words, he thought it’d be better if he kept it that way.

“I mean, even if you were gay, it wouldn’t make a difference,” Jihoon stated and looked at Soonyoung. The other three just nodded along, saying that they’d support him, no matter what sexuality he identified as.

“Don’t worry guys, I think women are hot just the girls here are below my league you know?” He said while playing with the zipper of his bag, praying that the school bell would save him from this nightmare. “Actually, why weren’t you guys at school yesterday? I had to spend my day with this fucker right here,” Soonyoung pointed at Jihoon, who just slapped him in disbelief. 

Before they could reply, the bell rang and everyone returned to their respective seats. Jihoon and Soonyoung stayed at their table and started focusing on the teacher. “Why are you pretending to be someone else with your friends?” Soonyoung froze in his seat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so the waist scene actually happened to me today. i hope u like this chapter! what do you think jihoon meant? what do you think is gonna be next? talk to me in the comments! kudos are also always appreciated 
> 
> note; I made a twitter account!  @AO3euntro


	3. party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rushed update! I was thinking of making the chapter longer since I'm in a writing flow right now, but I think after the ending you will understand why I chose to part it into two chapters !

“Why are you pretending to be someone else with your friends?” 

Soonyoung froze in his seat. What the fuck was he talking about? Did he think he’s some mind-blowing magician who could just walk into his life and act like he knew everything about him?

He wasn’t really the person to get mad at someone, usually smiling bright, laughing the loudest in a room, and joking a lot. Yet this genuinely was the last straw for him. First the ‘You seem like an interesting person’ stuff and now this. The boy was about to explode.

“What I am or am not doing is none of your business. Who the hell do you think you are?” Jihoon just hummed. “I get it. You don’t want to get perceived as vulnerable, right?” Soonyoung hissed, he’s had it. He took his bag, got up, and walked out of the classroom, leaving Jihoon and his, now yelling, teacher behind.

However, he didn’t know where to go. It wasn’t like he had a special place to go, like in all these books and movies. The men’s bathroom should do just fine as a replacement for a hill, with an enormous tree on it and a beautiful view. 

The stalls were empty, the tiles on the floor looked dirty, and the sinks as if no one cleaned them in ages. A tiny lamp was giving its best to light the room in the dark winter morning.

Soonyoung entered a stall and locked the door. Tiny tears rolled down his face, his eyes closed shut, and he slid down the wall. Who knows when the floor was last cleaned, but it didn’t bother him. He felt overwhelmed and needed to let it all out. After two or more minutes, he heard someone walking in and he held his breath. Especially after what Jihoon mentioned, he didn’t need anyone to find out he was crying in a public restroom.

“Hoshi, are you in here?” Fuck. It was Jeonghan. How did he know he would go here? “Soonyoung, I know you’re here. You can talk to me.” He slowly opened the door and stepped out. Jeonghan stood in front of him, tucking his white dyed hair behind his ears. The other continued to stare at Soonyoung as if he could break any moment. 

“It’s all too much. First Seungcheol making this comment about me being gay and then this asshole Jihoon-” “Jihoon? What did he say?” He shook his head. “This man thinks he can psychoanalyze me. Dude, we’ve known each other for a day.” 

Jeonghan pulls him into a hug. His older friend has been there for him, ever since they first talked to each other. They spent endless nights talking to each other, and they knew each other like the back of their hands. 

“Soonyoung I know you don’t enjoy speaking on this topic so I won’t force you, okay?” He nodded in response. “Let’s just get back to class. Mr. Hwang was throwing a fit because you just left unannounced like that.” They laughed. This made him feel better, definitely. They walked to class in silence.

He let himself fall onto the chair beside Jihoon while the teacher was scolding and using him as a prime example of the disrespect of teens nowadays. He blocked out the noise and thought about more important things. On the chair next to him, Jihoon remained silent.

Soonyoung spent the rest of the day with his friends. He saw the other hanging out with some girls and overheard how some asked for his number. Great, he could bother one of them.

“Hoshi? Hello? Earth to Hoshi!” Seungcheol pulled him out of his thoughts. His eyes wandered to Jihoon a last time before he fully focused on Seungcheol. “Sorry, got lost in thoughts. What did you say?” “Heejin’s throwing a big party tonight. You’re going to come with us, right?” “Yeah, sure, why not?”

Only at home, he realized what he agreed on. He would have to dress up, so he wouldn’t stand out. He could just not go. But he told his friends they could pick him up. His reflection was staring at him. It felt like it talked to him, insulting his appearance, telling him to lose weight. That he isn’t good enough to do anything other than to starve. 

Everything around him was spinning, his body felt heavy but he couldn’t take his eyes off the mirror. He deserved it. He deserved to get humiliated. Maybe it would help him eat less when people he knew told him he didn’t deserve to even see a plate of food.

In the late afternoon, he began to get ready. He put on some decent make-up, black high waisted jeans that fit perfectly around his legs, and a white crop top. He styled his white hair a little. After he finished, he took a breath and looked into the mirror. It would look better if he was skinnier.  
I'm  
His friends picked him up on time, the seven of them (of course his friends had to take their girlfriends with them) sat squeezed together in Vernon’s car. “Soonyoung, how did you get skinnier than me?” Yena, Jeonghan’s girlfriend, commented. He suddenly felt all itchy and hot. Why did she lie? 

“Yeah, she’s right! Just look at your arm, it’s skin and bones! Cheollie only got muscles, right baby?” “Yup Jukyung, I am literally Hulk” Everyone but Soonyoung laughed, who still felt very uncomfortable. 

Fortunately, they arrived, and he inhaled the fresh air. Once they reached Heejin’s house, they saw how crowded it was. The music was too loud for his liking, and it smelled like a mix of alcohol and vomit. He looked around, he’s already lost his friends, so he just made his way to the minibar. If he had to be there, he should at least try making it acceptable.  
The feeling of alcohol flowing through his system made Soonyoung relax. He moved onto the dance floor, looking out for people who he could talk to. All of sudden a very tipsy girl approached him. He looked at her, her face was flushed, she’s probably already had a few drinks. “Y- You’re Soonyoung right” she stuttered out. In response, he just smiled and nodded. “I’m Sohee. We’ve got English together.” That rang a bell.

He took her hand “Let’s get out of here” he looked for his friends, wanting to make sure that they saw him taking out a girl. They were just about to leave through the door when he heard Seungcheol screaming. “Go Soonyoung! We believe in you” He felt the heat rising his cheeks and just went on with Sohee.

He pressed her against the facade of the house and kissed her. She replied to him by deepening it. He felt disgusting; he needed to stop. He pulled away and whispered a simple sorry. Sohee just stared at him. The boy stumbled over his word, and only got a small “I’m gay, Sohee.” out. 

She let out a quiet ‘oh.’ She lowered her eyes and Soonyoung stepped away from her. “Why did you kiss me then?” “I- I wanted to convince myself that I’m not, I wanted to show my friends that I can also date girls, just like them. Please don’t tell anyone.” It seemed like she was thinking for a moment. “Okay,” A smile appeared on her face “Your secret is safe with me!”

Sohee made her way back inside. Soonyoung felt relieved. He let the fresh air stream through his lungs. “So you’re really gay?” “Jihoon, what the fuck, are you stalking me? What do you want from me? Can you fucking leave me alone” He turned around and saw Jihoon across him. 

He stepped closer to him, pointing his finger at the younger’s chest. “You know what, if you say a single thing to anyone about it, I will make sure that your life becomes hell.” Jihoon nodded. “You know, I told you you’ve got a slender body? I can now confirm it. Seems like you forgot your money too often at home” 

Soonyoung punched him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! yeah, I wanted to end the chapter with a cliffhanger :D also, I've made a Twitter account! I will post polls for fics and previews there! I don't know how to link stuff on here, so my @ is @AO3euntro ! If you haven't left any kudos yet I would appreciate them + you can talk to me in the comments and ask about fics n stuff! ok I'm gonna need to stop before the notes get longer than the fic


	4. family and friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! sorry for the missing update yesterday, i started watching jjk and just ended up binging it. anyways, here's a jihoon centric chapter!

“That’s gonna leave a big bruise man, why do you keep getting in fights with people stronger than you?” Jihoon sighed. “I didn’t get in a fight. If I punched him I’d be at the police station for murder right now.” 

The group of boys stared at each other. “What did you even do to get punched like that?” His younger brother asked. He held the bag full of ice against his cheek. Would he tell them? Even though his brain yelled that he shouldn’t, he did it anyway. 

“So you know, this Soonyoung guy. The guy from my class” After some thinking they nodded. “He has this thing. Do you ever look at someone and just know they’re suffering by looking into their eyes?” They shook their heads. “Whatever. Something is off with this guy. And I just want to help..” 

“Usually you just make it worse, y’know..” his Brother, Chan, mumbled. Jihoon just showed him the middle finger. 

“Anyways, I started talking to him. He’s pretty nice but trying to fit in a little too hard. Like, the little gay man between his straight friends. I wanted to be sure that he’s gay, so I could maybe tell him that I’m too and that it’s alright. So I asked Sohee-” 

“Sohee? Doyoung’s girlfriend?” “Yes Wonwoo, Doyoung’s her boyfriend. I asked Sohee if she eventually could help me out since she’s the only girl I’m good friends with here. I eventually convinced her to somehow try and get him to kiss her- Of course, we talked to her boyfriend about it too. The party was the best approach for it. Sohee told me she’d bring him outside so I could listen to whatever- and yeah turns out he’s gay. So once Sohee was gone I tried to approach him about it. And he was wearing kind of revealing clothes? So I told him he’s really skinny and boom.”

“Dude, you deserved this punch” The other’s agreed with Mingyu.“You should’ve approached it in a much, maybe not creepy way? Jihoon, you need to stop trying to be everyone’s savior. Not everyone wants your help. Some people will get better without it too. Just because it didn’t work out with Donghun-” Chan elbowed Mingyu before he could continue and gave Jihoon a pitiful look.

“It’s okay. I get what you’re trying to say and you’re right. I know I’m able to care about people, I don’t have to constantly prove it to myself. It’s just hard you know? He broke up with me because I didn’t care enough. It haunts my mind late at night…”

Chan sat down next to him and put his arm around the older’s shoulder. “As your brother, I can say that you’re a person who cares a lot.” “Yeah Jihoonie, as your friends, we can also say that,” Minghao added and pulled them all into a group hug.

Jihoon was lucky to call them all his friends. Mingyu, Minghao, and Wonwoo have always been there for him. They supported him when he moved away from there a few years ago and now he’s happy they’re together again.

Jihoon used to live here, in Seoul, when he was younger but had to move away because of his father’s job in middle school. After some years passed, his dad got promoted and the family could move back to their actual hometown again.

“You can leave now, guys. Thanks for the emotional support while I was complaining about the punch.” They shared the last few words before the three friends left. Chan stayed with him a little longer before eventually returning to his own room and Jihoon was left alone with his thoughts.

He woke up to the beautiful smell of breakfast in the morning. His phone told him it was 10:00 a.m. on a Saturday. The burn on his cheek bothered him but he just got up and put some clothes on, ignoring the pain. As he looked into the mirror, he realized how strong Soonyoung’s punch was. This man didn’t seem to play. 

It would be gone by Monday, he told himself. The only problem was, how was he going to tell his parents? They would freak out the moment they saw him. Did Chan already tell him? Whatever. He just went downstairs, his stomach winning the battle against his brain.

“Wow Jihoon, your face looks worse than Chan described it” Good, he thought, Chan already told them and as it seems, it didn’t bother his father too much. “I better hope Mingyu got a worse bruise than you. I don’t know why you guys consider punching each other fun and challenging these days, but I’m probably just getting old.”

He looked at his brother. What did Chan tell them? “Yeah bro, I told mom and dad about your punch-off with Mingyu, since you two wanted to know who’s stronger.” Did his parents actually believe this story? “Chan you need to work on your stories,” he mumbled and sat down on a chair. 

After his mother brought the breakfast to the table, she scolded him for participating in such dumb ideas with Mingyu. After that, they just chatted happily and ate their pancakes, and the thoughts of Soonyoung and Donghun slowly leaving Jihoon’s mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so that's it for today! sorry if it was a little shorter than usual, I kinda rushed it. Kudos and comments are appreciated! Also, would you guys prefer weekly, longer updates, or daily and shorter ones?
> 
> twitter:  @AO3euntro 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone! this is the last rushed and short update. I will start updating every Monday and update with longer chapters. today it's still about the same length, as usual, however, it does talk about self-harm, a little. I marked the scenes that could be explicit/that are more detailed in bold. it's only like two paragraphs but still!! pls enjoy reading

Soonyoung’s head pounded. He could barely remember anything besides the fact that he punched Jihoon last night. Though it was only because his fist hurt like hell.

He closed his eyes shut and tried to enter the world of dreams once again, however, he knew that he had to get up. It was 10 in the morning and he’d have to eat breakfast with his family at 11.

He hated it. He hated all the Saturday morning breakfast, not only because he’d end up consuming more calories than usual, but because it reminded him of how broken his family was. It would end in a fight every single time, yet his parents see the weekly family breakfast as necessary. Either because Soonyoung said something his family would freak out about, his parents fighting, or his parents making his younger sister down.

He groaned and made his way to the bathroom to take a shower. Afterward, he put some joggers and a hoodie on and seated himself in the kitchen.

It started quiet like usual, then some small talk happened and then he mentioned something, in his opinion funny, about school and his mother turned it into a reason to yell at him and make him down.

The boy tried his best to not cry in front of them. It’d mean just more bad words thrown at him. He finished eating his breakfast and went into his room. Soonyoung was so upset, that he just wanted to eat and eat and never stop. He knew he was a comfort-eater and he hated it, it’d make him gain weight and throw him off his tracks.

However, he craved the food so badly. He was torn between starving himself or eating everything within a five-mile radius and ended up deciding on the latter. The kitchen was empty so he just took most of his favorite snacks, including pudding, chocolate, and chips, opened one after the other, and just started eating.

Once he got the first chocolate bar down, he couldn’t stop anymore. He shoved everything down his throat, it made him lose all his self-control, he felt lost and locked inside his body. The food that used to be in front of him had gone all into his stomach within only half an hour.

He felt sick and disgusted by himself, his day was ruined. Tomorrow he will probably feel even worse, seeing the number on the scale go up, just because he couldn’t restrict himself better and let his feelings take over. 

The only ways to prevent that would be burning the calories off or purging by throwing up. Exercising sounded like the better idea, what would his family say if they saw or even heard him throwing up in the bathroom? 

He laid out the fitness mat in his room. It was small, he barely had any place to work out properly, the mat barely having any spare place around it. He put on some videos and exercised until he felt satisfied.

After about two hours Soonyoung felt tired. He wasn’t done yet, no, to make up the amount he ate he’d need to move all day. But he couldn’t anymore, his body was barely holding him up as if stones were lying on his shoulders.

It seemed like his mirror was mocking him, calling him names and telling him he was worthless. Fat and ugly, not able to lose weight. The voice inside his head told him that he ate too much for an eating disorder. 

For the first time that day, he looked at his phone. The moment the screen lit up he was bombarded with tons of notifications. A few from Instagram, some from Twitter but certainly a lot from his friend’s and his group chat

seungcheol

GUYS HAVE YOU SEEN   
HOW HOSHI PUNCHED   
THAT JIHOON GUY

like rlly rlly hard

damn didn’t know my 

bestie is that strong

vernon

yeah a video of it is going

around rn

jeonghan

ive never seen u be that angry

soonyoung i hope everything’s

okay

  
  


Soonyoung sighed. He seemed to be the year’s hot topic for punching the new guy only a few days after he arrived. He turned his phone off, not being able to care about what else they talked about. Not only did his head pound but annoyed was he too, couldn’t everyone leave him alone? First this Jihoon guy and now everyone else is talking about him

He lied down onto his bed and opened Twitter. Scrolling through the timeline, giggling at some tweets, then switching to YouTube to watch videos of his favorite idols. Since he was a dancer himself, watching his favorite group dance motivated him to improve. 

But even then, he couldn’t relax. One of his favorite idols talked about dieting and how he needed to lose weight. This was the last straw for Soonyoung, if this really skinny guy needed to diet, what was he? A whale? He couldn’t bear it anymore.

**He’d punish himself by starving, but he couldn’t even do that. He was a failure. The only thing that came to his mind was cutting. But he was clean, wasn’t he? The last time a blade touched his arm was months ago.**

**However, he couldn’t bear it. He took one of his scissors and dragged it over his thigh, yet he didn’t press too hard. The scissor was not sharp, even after several attempts there were only baby-cuts. Soonyoung threw the scissor aside and looked at the little marks on his thigh. It wasn’t the best, but he was satisfied.**

  
  


The rest of the weekend passed in a blur. Soonyoung had spent most of it exercising, to make up for the binge on Saturday. He completely forgot about Jihoon and the party. Only once he arrived at school, everyone started attacking him with questions. The boy tried to reply in a joking manner, not wanting to sound rude, so he could blame the punch on the alcohol in his system. 

“You know Hoshi, that punch looked really strong. Have you ever thought about joining our boxing club? You know, since I’m the club president and all I would let you join immediately,” “It’s okay Seungcheol, I like the dance club and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. The girls there are hot, you know.” His friends and he sat at Soonyoun’s desk in the classroom, Jihoon nowhere to be seen yet. Hopefully not, he thought, it’d just end up awkward and Soonyoung would most likely need to apologize.

His friends continued to chatter while Soonyoung tried to ignore the burn on his thighs. He couldn’t stop himself yesterday and ended up self-harming once again. But it was okay, he deserved the pain.

Jihoon walked into the classroom. His face, fortunately, didn’t look as bad as Soonyoung expected, he would’ve needed to apologize otherwise. His friends just fell into silence for a moment after the shorter boy sat down beside Soonyoung. Now that he was closer to him, he did realize that he left a bruise, Jihoon just seemed to be good enough with makeup to make it seem like there was never a fight, to begin with.

  
The older just coughed and mumbled a small ‘sorry for what happened on Friday’ and then focused on his friends again. Nevertheless, he still felt Jihoon’s gaze on himself. “Oh, also, my cousin arrived here yesterday. He’s also from the US. His name is Joshua, he’s really funny. He’s going to join his class too, for a year, but he’s allowed to make himself feel more comfortable here first,” Vernon explained to break the awkward silence between them all.

  
  


“He’s, like, really cool. He’s openly gay and has a boyfriend in the states. I respect him a lot for that like, dude I don’t think I’d ever have the balls to do that'' That caught Soonyoung’s attention. An openly gay student in their class? Maybe that’d give him the courage to come out one day too. But first, he had to deal with his problem called Lee Jihoon. 

The teacher walked in and his friends went to their own desks. Then Jihoon started to ramble. “Soonyoung, I’m really sorry for what happened at the party. I deserved the punch, I really did. I should’ve approached you in a better way, it’s just, I don’t know how to. You seem so unapproachable. And I just wanted to know if you are...you know. Because I am too. Yeah, that’s basically everything I wanted to say. Lord, this is so awkward.”

  
Soonyoung blushed. “It’s okay Jihoon, I guess. Thanks for being open with me, it was just really creepy. I’m glad there are people like me in this class too. It’s just, I can’t stand you for, to be honest, no reason. Don’t take it personally, you aren’t annoying or something.. you just don’t match my vibes. Maybe grow a bit and I’d think about changing my opinion.”   
  
“You’re the next one who’s going to end up with a bruise in your face.” Soonyoung just laughed quietly. “Oh also, I’ve heard you’re in Taeyeon's dance group. I’m in Suzy’s. We’ve got a dance battle next week. Be ready to get crushed, Soonyoung.” “You wish. I will destroy you and then laugh at your tears.” “To a great rivalry”, the younger said and focused on his notes.

Once they got on lunch break Soonyoung and his friends, including their girlfriends, hung out outside, in front of the school. They were just chatting happily, Seungcheol making out with his girlfriend in the background, Jeonghan’s girlfriend sat on his lap and Vernon’s stood beside him, arms linked together. Just Soonyoung was alone, third-wheeling (or rather seventh wheeling). He couldn’t stop thinking about beating Jihoon in the upcoming tournament. He’s going to need to practice a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the update!! Please let me know what you think in the comments or just talk to me or whatever. Kudos are appreciated!
> 
> Twitter: AO3euntro


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